photo credit: Jeremy Daccarett
One of the unexpected benefits of writing erotic romance is learning from a reader that they enjoyed your book and their partner reaped the benefits. I had one woman say she had no choice but to wake her husband at 2 am after finishing Long-Distance Lovers. She needed him right then and there and from the sounds of it, he was wholly appreciative of his surprise. If only every day could be like that, if only we could capture that spark on a more regular basis.
We all fall into the trap of routine and responsibilities in our relationship. It’s all too easy for your sex life to become predictable as a result. It’s important to keep the interest and spark alive, but this can prove difficult. Sometimes, we just get busy, complacent or bored and while these might seem inevitable, it’s important that we try to work through them to keep our relationship as healthy as possible.
The first step to resolving any issue is open communication. Your partner may not be aware of the rut. Bring them up to speed on how you’re feeling and see where they stand. Use words that are constructive and non-confrontational. If you explain to them that this means you’ll be having more sex, you can expect them to be on board. But you should also discuss other ways you can bring back the original spark of your relationship. Maybe it’s bringing back date night or visiting places you used to go as a young couple?
You can try these suggestions:
Do projects together. It could be art, building a piece of furniture, cooking a new meal or even as simple as hanging a curtain rod. When you work together as a team again, you build up a sense of intimacy and find that you truly have to rely on that person to get the job done. Plus, you will have created something together that you can look at and remember the good time you had while making it.
Secondly, go on a vacation. We can’t all afford to just hop on a plane and get away for awhile, but you can disappear for a weekend. Just drive over to the next town and get a hotel. Being in a new place will spark the feelings of adventure and spontaneity, which have the tendency to slip away after a few months into a relationship. Spend the weekend together with the laptop and smartphones turned off. This will require you to talk and entertain each other and build a closeness again.
Start doing the little things. We forget how much it can mean to someone to get them flowers for no reason, to leave them a little note, or put gas in their car. Simple gestures that show your appreciation and love for your partner can go a long way. If you know they need to go to the dry cleaner, do it for them. If they seem like they’ve been stressed out, get or give them a massage. The little things go a long way.
Finally, the main attraction. Sex! Try to change it up by getting down and dirty in other rooms in your house, or even in your car or outside somewhere. If you want to break your routine, you have to get out of every part of it. If you’re not one to usually wear lingerie, go pick a cute new number. Surprise your partner by jumping their bones as soon as they get home or by sending them a suggestive text while they are at work. Even something as simple as, “I can’t stop thinking about you,” can do the trick. You can also try incorporating new sex toys. You can not only have fun using it, it will bring you two closer if you choose it together and talk through what you do and do not like. If you need a place to go, head over to Adam & Eve, where you’ll be able find a toy to fit every wish and desire.
Getting out of a rut can be hard, but the first step is realizing you’re in one. You shouldn’t have a problem climbing out if you’re conscientious and dedicated. As a bonus, you’ll learn a lot about each other in the resolution process. So go forth and spice it up!
Both Karens have contributed to Foreign Affairs, a collection of six steamy and romantic short stories from Turquoise Morning Press. The e-book is now available from:
We are Karen Stivali and Karen Booth, both writers of contemporary and erotic romance, as well as women's fiction. Fate brought us together and our love of fictional British men cemented our friendship. We blog about our own books, those we co-author, and titles by our romance-writing friends.
